What’s My Life’s Purpose?
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Leo Tolstoy
The following statement may sound very high school English class thesis statement-esque, but I will say it anyway. The intention of this blog post is for us to get to the bottom of this whole life’s purpose thing once and for all. This question of purpose is at the top of the most frequently asked questions list. There is so much angst around purpose - not knowing what it is, not doing it “right”(whatever that means), and judgments upon judgments heaped onto one’s life’s purpose. This question is central in spiritual communities, social media, and the self-help universe. It shows up in different forms and flavors, but all roads feel like they lead to the question - “What’s my life purpose?” Am I going to solve this inquiry for you in this singular blog post? No, but I will humbly attempt to finally give you some clarity so you can get out of this seemingly monstrous and insurmountable pickle you are in.
There are thousands of YouTube videos focused on people finding their purpose. Some of these videos have millions of views. It’s awe-inspiring and overwhelming. Compulsively seeking out and working with people who can help you find your purpose is a surefire way to feel demoralized, impotent, confused, and at the end of the day, not find your purpose. Once again, this is my perspective. Please take what resonates, make it your own, and discard the rest.
For years, I asked myself about my purpose and came up empty-handed time and time again. I have been trained in so many modalities and seen numerous healers, coaches, and the like. I’d wrack my brain, which was useless as it normally is in matters of spirit. In the same fashion as my other blog post, I will offer and discuss things you may want to look for in your quest for purpose and some things you can do to help you on your personal journey of purpose.
Purpose Formulas
What is my purpose = What am I to do in the world to make my mark?
More often than not, people believe their purpose needs to be some singular grandiose thing with worldwide epic impact. In my experience, being the best parent to your child is not what people want to hear as their life’s purpose. It’s not sexy. If you aren’t saving the world in one form or another, your purpose is subpar and/or not spiritual enough. This is a way to keep people subscribing to smallness and further supporting separation. You being the best parent to your child has a ripple effect far greater than you can imagine. No small feat. Ask any good parent. It creates an idea that other people who are outwardly more public with their purpose or involve more people are doing far more substantial work than you are doing. There are judgments we label people’s purposes with, which I see as sad and infuriating. Like soul mates, people believe you should only have one purpose. There is one soul mate and one purpose in the entire universe just for you, and that’s it, and it never changes. That’s another limiting and disempowering story. If you’ve missed that one, ultimate purpose or soul mate consider yourself SOL. I chose not to view life's purpose from this perspective. These stories are not helpful. I invite you to love and accept these stories and shift your perspective to a new story of empowerment and boundlessness.
What are my gifts = What are the tools/how will I do my purpose in the world?
Everyone has unique, magical gifts. I see that once a purpose is found, it naturally leads to the desire to know the how - the tools. If gifts are not found, then the whole purpose is questioned. And the gifts that you have must exactly fit into the preset program of your purpose. This is the way we are socialized in Western culture. You do not need to look further than education in the US to see how this unfolds in consensus reality. The gifts also have to look like everyone else’s gifts, or they are invalid. This is rigid and limiting. It is a trap and can become a loop you get stuck in.
You can have gifts that don’t directly correlate with what you feel is your purpose. Let me give you an example. One of my purposes is to help people die consciously. Some of what it calls upon is the ability to hold safe space, be empathetic, have technical knowledge about end-of-life needs, energy work, and counseling skills. I love hand-pouring intention candles. I create unique scent profiles, design labels, and charge my candles with the intention of each candle. What does my candle making have to do with working with people at end-of-life honing in on their final wishes? My answer is - it doesn’t. The candles I create are tools, and some of my gifts are involved, but candle-making does not support the end-of-life work that I do. You can have a gift or skill unrelated to your wider purpose(s), and that doesn’t mean you are wasting your time or energy.
A Few Purposeful Questions
What are the life’s purposes that you admire? What purposes spark joy? Why
What judgments of life’s purpose do you have - judgments of yourself and others?
What drives you in life? Is it building relationships with other people? Diving into deep nature experiences? Cooking incredible food?
What are your reoccurring thoughts about? This is a broad question that will take some time to answer. You may also not have clear answers to it.
If you had to state your life’s purpose right now, what would you say it is? “I do not know” is an acceptable answer. We will work with the unknown a little later.
If you have identified a life’s purpose, who gave you that purpose? Was it parents, teachers, or something you came to yourself? Think about this. I encourage you not to go with the first answer that comes to mind. Keep asking.
Purpose speaks to how you wish to create an impact in the world. Who do you want to impact and how would you like to ideally impact these beings?
What type of impact excites you most? Are you drawn to music and love how music moves people? In the realm of music, there are infinite possibilities for how to make an impact. Making beats, writing songs, playing in a band, being a DJ, and everything in between is in the realm of music.
The Unknown
Half of the people who come to me say they don’t know their life’s purpose and, by extension, their gifts. More often than not, they actually know their purpose, but they won’t allow themselves to have it or embody it. They judge themselves out of their purpose, talking themselves out of what they really want because it is “unrealistic.” I have heard some pretty creative “reasons” as to why someone won’t accept their purpose. I put the word reason in quotes because they aren’t reasons at all. They are excuses backed by fear. Fear is incredibly powerful and it lives in so many places. Here are some questions to ponder when you feel you are in the land of the unknown when it comes to your life’s purpose.
How does uncertainty serve you? Think about all areas of your life. Some part of not knowing is useful to you and that is why you are within the unknown.
Is it truly uncertainty or are you ignoring what you know deep down? Are you not trusting your intuition - that nagging almost always right voice?
When did the uncertainty start? What were the life circumstances surrounding the start of the uncertainty?
If there was absolutely no downside to following your purpose, like none at all, what would you do?
What would it mean to be certain? How does certainty show up in your life?
What fears are lurking about you finding your life’s purpose?
Put Me in Coach
Recently, I ran a poll on LinkedIn asking people if they were working within the context of their life’s purpose. 44% stated that they were not working within their purpose. I am a trained psychotherapist who became a coach. You can become a coach during a weekend and people do that. Coaching is unregulated. The title of “coach” is not a protected title like doctor or attorney. You need no formal education to be a coach. There are groups of coaches who seem to have focused on training other people to become coaches as their life purpose. This is something I have been witnessing happening frequently in the last five years.
There are also tons of programs from spiritual people who believe that everyone’s life purpose is to be a healer, and coincidentally, it’s the exact type of healer that the person who created the training program the healer is selling. Do you see where I am going with this? Not everyone should be a coach. Not everyone should be a healer. Just because you are a healer or coach, it does not mean you are better than anyone. It does not mean you have your life together. No one has cornered the market on fulfillment or enlightenment. There are coaches and healers who learn a modality or perspective for the sole reason to turn around and sell that modality to another person. They do not practice or apply any of these learnings in their lives.
Good for Me & You
Are you easily influenced to do what others are doing even though what they are doing is not your thing? Do you get caught up in other’s passion or excitement? Looks like you got tangled in the cognitive dissonance web. According to Psychology Today, “Cognitive dissonance is a term for the state of discomfort felt when two or more modes of thought contradict each other. The clashing cognitions may include ideas, beliefs, or the knowledge that one has behaved in a certain way.” How this shows up irl is when you meet a coach or a healer, and after working with you a bit, they reveal that your life’s purpose is to be the same type of coach or healer they are. Your work with them may have been helpful, and now you are getting pulled into the vortex because you want to make them proud of you or to make you more pleasing to them. It can be sticky and has to do with patterns set up by our well-meaning family of origin, usually. I see people do this habitually. They jump from coach to coach or healer to healer and then sign up for each training program each coach/healer has done. This is a form of spiritual tourism/self-improvement junkiness.
In a non-healing/coaching situation, this can look like your brother telling you that having kids is the best thing one can ever do, and you have not truly lived until they’ve had children. Your brother tells you that you, personally, must have children. All the while, he is miserable being a father and regrets ever having kids in the first place. He went all-in on having kids, so he is compelled to enroll people in having kids. The same thing goes for coaches and healers, they chose to be reiki practitioners(for example), so that is the only right road for you to follow.
You May Ask Yourself
When confronted by a healer, coach, or person of any profession, I offer you some questions to meditate on.
What am I seeking, really? You’ll need to do some digging here because you may think you are seeking healing or coaching because of a symptom you are experiencing that is negative but has little visibility as to the root cause. Ask yourself this particular question a few times.
Why was I drawn to this individual originally? Why you were drawn to this individual reveals what is happening internally. What about this person can you feel can help you, specifically?
What picture is this person painting when it comes to their choice of career or path? Is it balanced, or are they painting a very idealized picture? What is their story, and what emotions are they conveying to tell that story? Emotions can serve as a way to engage and enroll.
What challenges and obstacles did this person face, and how closely do you view them as challenges and obstacles that you face? Are challenges and obstacles being admitted to?
What does my heart say? What does my head say? What does my intuition say?
In our exploration of life's purpose, we've ventured through the thickets of confusion and the spectacles of inspiration. This post isn't a magic bullet that unravels the complexities of your existential queries but a compass to guide you through the unique landscape of your own purpose. Remember, the quest for purpose is not about chasing a grand, singular destiny that society stamps with approval. It’s about recognizing the extraordinary in the ordinary, embracing the seemingly small tasks that ripple out into the world in profound ways.
Your life's purpose might not be about saving the world in the eyes of the masses, but in being the best version of yourself for those around you—whether that’s through parenting, crafting, or simply spreading kindness. Your purpose does not have to be defined by its visibility or scale. It is often the quiet, persistent dedication to our true selves and our immediate world that yields the most significant impact.
Remember, your journey is personal. It's perfectly fine to say "I don't know" and allow that uncertainty to lead you to deeper introspection. Question the roots of your motivations, embrace your unique gifts—even if they don't neatly fit into the conventional framework of a "life purpose."
Ultimately, life’s purpose is not a static destination but a dynamic way of being. It’s found in the questions we dare to ask, the connections we make, and the small moments that fill our days with meaning. Let go of the need for external validation, trust your inner voice, and allow your purpose to unfold organically. Life isn't just about finding purpose—it's about letting that purpose transform you day by day.