End of the World? No Big Deal
Monday’s full solar eclipse had people shook in the United States. Social media was flooded with anxious, overwhelmed, and fearful people. Historically, when celestial phenomena of this magnitude occur on planet Earth, humans tend to have these reactions, understandably. The megaphone that social media is amplifies everything to its most exaggerated degree. For those in the know, usually, the priests, priestesses, and spiritual leaders of the clan or tribe knew what to do in these instances because they aligned with the cycles of the Earth and the larger cosmic order. With the U.S. being far from those times, psychically, ideologically, and spiritually, where does one turn to for such advice? Eclipses, comets, earthquakes, tornadoes, and any other planetary or off-planetary events that seemed outside of what humans expect were often interpreted as signs of end times - apocalypse - the end of the world.
My question is, what if it is the end of the world? What am I doing?
What am I doing here, on this planet? In the present now moment? It’s an uncomfortable question to ask, and being a death doula has put that question into sharp focus because, for thousands of people every day, it is the end for them.
I recently participated in a workshop about end-of-life care led by an inspiring, loving, kind, brilliant, and well-respected physician. When the workshop reached the Q&A portion, I raised my digital hand to ask what I thought was a benign question. Typically, I never ask questions in these large Zoom sessions, but I had to ask this one. I did not expect the deep cave of self-exploration the answer to my question would lead me to.
“Doctor, you spoke about training. I’m considering additional training to be more effective in the hospice and end-of-life space, and I don’t know which place to turn. <I then listed all my credentials.>Do you have any programs or training you recommend?” I asked earnestly. “It all depends on how you want to serve. How would you like to serve?” she asked in a tone I’ve never been asked before. She could see right through my hiding. I was taken aback and did not know what to say because I had never seriously asked that question to myself. My response was, “I will need to meditate on that.” She continued.
“If there was no downside to the work you did. No downside at all. What would you want to do? What would you do?” she gingerly asked. Once again, I said, “That is a great question. I will need to meditate on that.” Now, that was masterful, I thought. “We can always talk about it if you’d like. Keep doing your ecstatic work. I see you,” she said knowingly—Mic drop. I am still unpacking this brief interaction. I did not have an answer for her, and I don’t have an answer for myself, which is concerning. I couldn’t summon a polished, sleek elevator pitch wrapped in a shiny gold bow to present to her. All I could say was, “I will need to meditate on that,” because I did not have an answer. Her questions brought me back to my question -
“It’s the end of the world; what are you doing Maria Sophia?”
Acts of Service
One of my brilliant teachers used to ask me questions like the one the physician asked me in that workshop. Her questions would linger with me for years, yes, years. This all ties into the apocalypse, promise. We are all dying every day. That is just the nature of our human existence. What are we doing in the time we have here? How are we serving humanity? How are we serving others? How are we being useful?
Again, we mustn’t externalize too much here and make our lives solely about others. I believe there needs to be a balance between how we show up in the world for others and how we show up for ourselves. My life has been out of balance, with the pendulum living in the land of externalizing my support and service. One of my dear friends, who has built a beautiful soul-centered community in the Pacific Northwest, says, “You always are the first to ask - how can I help? How can I serve?” You serve without question or complaint. It’s intimidating. You serve ruthlessly.” When I heard the term “ruthlessly,” I cringed. That word is used to describe dictators, despots, and tyrants, not healers. I contemplated his statement, which significantly impacted me, and I’m writing about it. Ruthless? Like, I will stage a service coup on some unsuspecting service agency or take prisoners where I will be of service to them whether they like it or not. It sounds ridiculous.
Being of help or service was instilled in me at a young age. Service is at the heart of my Greek culture and my religious upbringing. Going out of your way for your family or even people you do not know to improve their lives is expected. Greeks are known for their hospitality. It is a cornerstone of our culture - φιλοξενία translated to friendliness towards a stranger. But in my dear friend’s description of me, my service was received as intimidating. No one could ever reach me, and my aptitude for service separated me from others. There was no way anyone could reach me or match me when it came to being of service. So, who was I helping here? And was my service even genuine service? So many questions. This can also be said with the training and education I consume.
Training Days
I have always loved to learn. As a kid, I wanted to know everything. It was exhausting for every adult around me. I have been in quite a few non-ordinary states of consciousness in my life, and when I am in that space, I ask the Universe how water works. “How do you make birds?” I ask with genuine curiosity. “How does consciousness work within our human body?” I say. My most recent favorite: “Why does war exist?” These are the types of questions I ask. Not where I should move or who would be best for me to date. Sometimes, I ask those questions, but mostly, I’m asking the Universe if I can speak to a manager because I would like an in-depth explanation of The Mystery.
This is how I view training and education within spiritual and esoteric realms. If something interests me and could be useful to know so I can be of service, then I collect it. I collect the knowledge, wisdom, and modalities and then apply it as much as possible. This is how I became a licensed Emergency Medical Technician and a Death Doula, among other things. EMTs save lives at all costs, and Death Doulas allow life to end gracefully. I would like to blame it on being a Gemini, but that starts to feel like I am bordering on spiritual bypassing territory. I can blame it on curiosity, which has been the story of my entire life for as long as I can remember. My psychotherapy brain points towards ADD, but that seems reductive. Is it that I’ve never considered this question for myself because all I do is externalize everything? We have a winner! Externalization.
I have externalized and outsourced service altogether. I am doing service, not being of service. The doctor in the earlier story asked me how I wanted to be of service rather than how I wanted to do service. That is where I got tangled. One can also hide in service. It’s a great hiding place most people don’t even suspect. Hear me out. If you are constantly helping, supporting, and anticipating other people’s needs, this leads to abandonment of self and martyrdom. I have hidden behind doing service most of my life and completely abandoned expressing myself meaningfully. This blog is one of the steps I’ve taken towards self-expression while being of service through my personal, earned wisdom and experience.
This feels very nuanced to me, and when I get into these deep waters, I look to those before me who walked this road and have some wise thoughts on which I can lean.
Who to Be?
Get ready to work with the teachings of Ram Dass. I see him as one of my great teachers and have gained so much from his work. If you do not know who Ram Dass is, I highly recommend you experience his teachings. Ram Dass, formerly Harvard psychology professor Richard Alpert, had all the trappings of success. It was a fancy job at Harvard and all that came with it in the early 1950s. He had the motorcycle, car, and toys you could want. In 1960, he met up with another Harvard colleague, Tim Leary, and started extensively experimenting with psychedelics. He got fired, went to India on a spiritual quest, found his Guru Neem Karoli Baba, and was named Ram Dass (Servant of Ram-God). Ram Dass’ whole world shifted, and he realized that being somebody - a psychologist, a good son, and a respected Harvard professor- was not the point of life. These somebodies were just roles, suits he put on, mostly to please others. The goal, in his perspective, was to become nobody. Not to identify yourself with your roles and somebody-ness and to be nobody. Be here now. Be love.
I have been asking myself the wrong question this whole time. It’s not about what I am doing as the world/humanity ceases to exist. The question is, who am I to be in the world? How can I be love? Embody love. How can I be kindness? Compassion? Rather than focusing on the doing, which has me worried, scattered, and feeling like I am not enough. It makes far more sense to focus on who I am being in the world, for myself and for humanity. My question to you is;
Who are you being in the world?