The Other F Word
Get your mind outta the gutter! I am talking about forgiveness. The first “f-word” is fear for those who haven’t been following along. There has been so much written about forgiveness by many religious, mental health, spiritual, and new-age-y people. But how does one even do forgiveness?
Today, I am going to talk about forgiving yourself, which seems far more elusive than forgiving others for many because most of us have been programmed to believe that we are “bad” or “wrong.” We’ve been taught, conditioned even, to believe that we are inherently flawed. In following the work of Alan Watts, a dear teacher of mine, it feels like religion makes us sinners just for showing up. Born into this world through a miraculous act of creation call it love, call it sex and already, we’re stamped with this invisible watermark of shame.
So here we are, wading through life with this bag of "badness" strapped to our backs. Let’s set it down, shall we? Today, I want to guide you through the art of forgiving yourself—an act that’s both profoundly simple and infinitely challenging.
Forgiveness in the Olden Days
In the old days, forgiveness came with a ritual. Public confession was the thing. Picture it: a crowd gathered around as you bared your soul, every misstep put on display. It didn’t take long for humanity to realize that maybe airing your laundry in the village square wasn’t the best idea and for many obvious reasons was problematic.
In many Christian traditions, forgiveness was institutionalized. You confess to a priest, a spiritual middleman, who absolves you of your “sins.” As a child in the Greek Orthodox tradition, I walked this path. At summer camp—yes, Greek Orthodox summer camp, I was told my prophetic dreams were the work of the devil and that I needed to pray harder. Sure, shame the 13-year-old kid, that’s a genius idea.
This was my introduction to the concept of forgiveness, as defined by the church, and I wasn’t about to it. By the time I was 18, I got hip to the fact that it was an implement of fear and control, and honestly patriarchy. Over time, I began to see that the power to forgive and heal didn’t reside in a priest or the church. It was within me, as it is within you. We don’t need an intermediary to connect with the divine. We are, each of us, already there.
Self-Service Forgiveness
It took many years of therapy, meditation, trauma work, and deep prayer to get to the place where I could forgive myself. I had to unlearn so many deep-seated beliefs. Here are some things I did that helped me get to a place where I could forgive myself for being a human being who was alive in the world, amongst other “sins.”
Let’s start with radical acceptance.
There is absolutely no forgiveness available without acceptance of all the parts of yourself. Period. I will die on this hill. This is includes the acceptance of all the things that you believe are wrong, flawed, messed up, etc. about you. I was called a work of the devil because of my visions, so I was in the hole when it came to how “good” I could be. I had to accept that my being a work of the devil was a projection of someone who was frightened about something they could not understand. Enough about me, let’s talk about how you are going to forgive yourself.
Step 1: Soul Work
Deeply examine your beliefs about yourself. Write down all the things you think are “wrong” with you. Be honest. There may be tears and anger. Welcome it all. Once you have written down all the things that are wrong with you, then it’s time for us to do some Byron Katie-esque work:
Where did this belief come from? Your beliefs are sourced from somewhere. You don’t come into the planet with a book of beliefs tied to your umbilical cord.
Who is the originator of this belief? Many times, it’s not a belief that started with us, but a parent or person in authority.
When was the first time you can remember hearing or knowing this about you?
Here are “The Work” questions from Byron Katie:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
This process will take time so please be patient with yourself as you move through it. It may trigger you. It may want you to curse me out for opening Pandora’s box. You will feel worse at first and then you’ll start to feel better. This is not work for the faint of heart so doing this process is courageous. I applaud you for having the appetite to do it. You are officially in the 1%. Oh, and please do not believe that once you do this process one time you are done. This type of programming is sneaky af. It hides in the shadow of our unconscious and new and terrible thoughts will pop up when you least expect it.
Step 2: The Meditation
Let’s take a moment to step gently into the practice of self-forgiveness. This is a tender, sacred space where you’ll meet yourself with compassion and kindness. Follow these steps with patience, allowing your heart to open as you move through the process.
Choose One Big Lie
Begin by selecting one belief about yourself that feels like a heavy lie—the one that holds you back or weighs you down the most. Just one for now. We’re taking this journey one step at a time. There’s no need to rush or clear everything in one day.
Settle into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take 3-5 minutes to breathe deeply and consciously. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale slowly through your mouth for four. Let each breath bring you into the present moment.
Meet Your Child Self
In your mind’s eye, imagine yourself as a child—the purest, most innocent version of you. If it’s difficult to picture, focus on yourself at two or three years old, full of wonder and untouched by the world’s judgments. See this child in as much vivid detail as you can.
If visualizing your child self feels challenging, you can also bring to mind a figure of innocence or purity—perhaps a completely realized Buddha or another being that embodies unconditional love and healing.
Connect with Your Higher Self
Now, call forth an image of your highest self—the version of you that is wise, radiant, and filled with light. This is the compassionate, whole, and holy being you aspire to be. If connecting with your higher self feels difficult, imagine someone who represents divine love and generosity, such as Buddha, Jesus, or another inspiring figure.
Bring Yourself to the Present
Finally, hold an awareness of who you are right now, in this moment. In your mind’s eye, you now have three versions of yourself:
Your child self—innocent and full of curiosity.
Your higher self—radiant and compassionate.
Your present self—the version of you navigating life today.
A Conversation of Compassion
Begin by addressing your child self. Can you tell this innocent child that they are bad, unworthy, or flawed? It’s likely you’ll find this nearly impossible. Instead, offer these words:
“Even though I’ve believed you are bad, flawed, or unworthy, I love and accept you exactly as you are.”
If it feels natural, ask your child self for forgiveness for holding these unkind beliefs. Tell them how deeply you love, accept, and cherish them. Speak with as much emotion and sincerity as you can. Let them know how grateful you are for their presence and resilience.
Next, turn to your higher self. Could you tell this radiant, compassionate version of yourself that they are flawed or broken? If so, gently counter that with:
“Even though I’ve believed you are bad, flawed, or unworthy, I love and accept you exactly as you are.”
Again, ask for forgiveness. Speak words of unconditional love and gratitude to your higher self. Take as much time as you need for this step.
You may also use the Ho’oponopono prayer to deepen this connection, which I explain in greater detail further below.
Reunite with Yourself
As you feel forgiveness and love flowing through you, imagine your child self and higher self moving closer to you with each breath. See them becoming part of you, step by step.
Breathe them in. With each inhalation, imagine their energy—like mist or stardust—merging into your present self. Take your time. Allow this integration to happen gently and fully.
Repeat as Needed
Continue this process for each belief or “lie” you’ve held about yourself. After completing the meditation for a particular belief, go back to your list and draw a bold line through that item. Acknowledge it as a truth you’ve released, no longer holding power over you.
This practice is a journey, not a race. Be patient with yourself and return to it as often as you need. With every breath and every moment of love, you are moving closer to the radiant, whole, and beautiful being you’ve always been.
You are worthy of forgiveness. You are worthy of love. Always.
Step 3: Got Mantra?
Have you ever heard of the Hawaiian prayer - Ho'oponopono? It is a practice of forgiveness and reconciliation that involves expressing love, gratitude, remorse, and asking for forgiveness. The word "ho'oponopono" translates to "correction" in English, and is derived from the Hawaiian words ho'o "to make" and pono "right". This beautiful mantra/prayer/healing has been put into music, which you can find anywhere you get your music.
This Hawaiian practice of forgiveness is a simple yet powerful mantra:
“I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.”
Singing this mantra 30 times a day for 30 days is a great way to build the habit of love, forgiveness and gratitude. You can also play it softly in the background while you are falling asleep at night or say it at any time throughout the day when you catch yourself being unkind or rigid with yourself. Ho'oponopono is one of my favorite prayers.
Say it to yourself. Whisper it in the stillness of your heart. Let it become a rhythm, a balm for the soul.
Step 4: Repeat the process as many times as you need.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s a practice, a dance, a journey. You’ll stumble, you’ll forget, and then you’ll remember again. Each time you return to the work, you’re peeling back another layer, moving closer to the essence of who you really are: love itself.
So, my dear one, take this practice with you. Sit with it. Let it unfold in its own time. And as you do, remember: you are not your mistakes. You are not your fears. You are a spark of the divine, just as worthy of love and forgiveness as anyone else.